Lost

This journal page was actually written 12/1/07, and I'm just posting it here, so I can keep it together with the rest of my on-line journal.

  LOST 

There was recently a post on a forum I’ve joined. One woman asked the qustion “Why do some women say they ‘lost’ their child to adoption?’

It is indeed an excellent question. Since I am one of those women, I replied the following: I used to say that I placed my son to adoption. I agreed to a semi-open adoption. All I wanted from his adoptive parents was pictures once a year.

I realize now that it was smoke. 
 Semi-open adoption is a myth. It doesn't really exist, because there is nothing legally binding (in my state) to enforce 'promises'.

So, when the pictures stopped, 
I lost sight of my son, literally.

I don't have identifying information (last names, county, or city) so I don't know where he is - THEY may know where he is, but I don't...so to me he is lost.

I also use the term lost, becuase it's like the sand that slipped through the hourglass. You can never have that time back again – it’s lost.
 I'll never be able to see him as a cute little boy, I'll never be able to watch him ride his bike for the first time, he'll say the 'darndest things' and I won't hear them. 


He's grown from infant clothes, through tots, elementary school. I'll never be able to see him building friendships- growing- and learning through those stages of life. The time is gone, forever lost. 

The experiences he had, without me being a part – they’re lost.

Lost, because that's how my heart feels sometimes. It’s wandering in loneliness and searching in darkness, hoping someday to be found. 

But for now, it’s just lost.

And when something is lost or missing, the experience is loss. My son who is missing from my life, from my sight, from my love -- the loss is intense, deep, and tragic. 

Here are some of Webster's definitions of 'lost' :
-no longer known
-ruined or destroyed physically or morally; DESPERATE
-taken away or beyond reach or attainment: DENIED
-unable to find the way
-no longer visible
-lacking assurance: HELPLESS;---this to me is the heaviest of all.

I am a mom who lost her son to adoption. 
It definitely describes where I'm at.